perfume.

First Draft.

Paris, lady’s lips
death with us, the perfume
plumbs the sun to
the tulle limbs 
of flowers, outstretched
beneath the bloated dark
that bleeds. Recall the ice
in black roses, the sweetness
of your lips
to fallen last breaths.


Final Draft. 

Perfume
from the bloodlust
and silent tributary
of fallen tears—
oscillation; amputation
from the womb
intrudes to the shore
a coquette,
my petal of death.
Winter alone, I eavesdrop
sunbeams across
the pixels in the sea-
death with us,
in tulle limbs
and flowers.

© 2020 lucysworks.com All Rights Reserved.


Written for the dVerse prompt: Write a poem of exactly 44 words, including the word eavesdropping.

Reposted for a MTB dVerse prompt. As per the prompt’s instructions, I included the original draft of my piece, which is very different from its final product.




Categories: Poetry

Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

79 replies

  1. The tulle made me think of the widow’s veil… goes so well with that perfume… made me think scent more as venom than essential oils.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. What a wonderful use of the word!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. bravo – an utterly unique and creative response to the prompt

    “I eavesdrop
    sunbeams across
    the pixels in the sea-“

    Liked by 3 people

  4. Love these final words:
    “I eavesdrop
    sunbeams across
    the pixels in the sea-
    death with us,
    in tulle limbs
    and flowers.”

    Liked by 2 people

  5. ‘from the bloodlust
    and silent tributary
    of fallen tears’ – I love that you have this as the source of perfume, a stunning use of words woven into a haunting poem which makes unique use of the prompt.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Your quadrille is exquisite, Lucy, and tinged with the ‘perfume / from the bloodlust / and silent tributary /of fallen tears’. I love the way you let in a little light with the eavesdropping of sunbeams – I imagine them like little ballerinas dressed in tulle and flowers.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. My goodness this is potent! You have left me quite breathless with this one, Lucy 💝

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Your words are intriguingly wrought. Happy Monday

    much 💝 love

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I admire that eavesdropping of sunbeams!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Nouns become verbs, physics become metaphysics–another excellent perspective, dark, viksceral, uyet bombarded by light beams of hope.

    Liked by 2 people

  11. sounds like you are not a fan of winter as you seek those pixels of sunbeams …

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Stabs like a dull knife Lucy, ripping at dark truth…

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Once more I’m challenged to re-read, Lucy.

    Liked by 1 person

  14. I like the eavesdrop of sunbeams. That would be a lovely thing.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I admire the strong imagery of “petal of death” like my dying flowers. I am averse to winter & tolerate it as much as I can. Love this twist on sunbeams:

    Winter alone, I eavesdrop
    sunbeams

    Liked by 1 person

  16. A mysterious and intriguing perfume!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. I love it all! A scent that will linger!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Love this! “silent tributary” and “pixels in the sea” are such interesting images.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Haunting line: “amputation/ from the womb”. Love the imagery!

    Liked by 2 people

  20. Love the image of… a tributary of fallen tears! A really great descritption.

    Liked by 1 person

  21. Another striking piece and so much crammed into a scant 44 words. ‘Tulle limbs and flowers’ ‘sunbeams across / the pixels in the sea’ are just great images among many.

    Liked by 1 person

  22. kaykula
    Perfumes have a way ironically to have opposite effects!

    Hank

    Liked by 1 person

  23. Awesomely done for the prompt. Kudos 💖🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  24. There’s such a dramatic difference between your drafts! You obviously give thought to every word. Your poems are so visual.

    Liked by 1 person

  25. Hi Lucy, thanks for posting the original – what a change. I can see how your ideas have shifted and elaborated (sometimes editing is about amplifying) – and also by removing the ‘lady’ the subject in the before poem, you’ve made the poem more direct and more intimate (scary as that might be).

    Liked by 1 person

  26. Hi Lucy, what powerful quadrilles you have created here! I love this part of the first (and missed it in the second) ” the perfume
    plumbs the sun to
    the tulle limbs
    of flowers, outstretched.” The evolution of the second version is amazing and the poem becomes mystical and mysterious.

    Liked by 2 people

  27. What an amazing evolution in the second poem, Lucy! 💝 You’re a rock-star! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  28. Your revision is great Lucy! It flowed and for me was easier to follow than the first one.
    Dwight

    Liked by 1 person

  29. I love both as totally different poems on a similar theme, Lucy. Paris and lady’s lips set the tone for the whole of the first poem, and I love the alliterative and plosive ‘perfume plumbs the sun’, like a splash of scent that eventually becomes the ‘fallen last breaths’. In the second version (I wouldn’t call it final, they never really are, even reading aloud changes emphasis and meaning) it’s a different kind of perfume, darker and not so sweet. But I still love the thought of eavesdropping ‘sunbeams across the pixels in the sea’ and those ballerina-like ‘tulle limbs and flowers’.

    Liked by 1 person

    • They really are different, I think. Thank you so very much for your feedback, Kim. I enjoyed reading your analyses on the two poems.
      And yes, that is indeed true. I read somewhere that there is never a final draft, not at least until the poet is long gone!

      Liked by 1 person

  30. Both versions are very striking and I really enjoyed reading them in parallel – difficult to choose between, in a book I would be happy to read both, side by side.

    Liked by 1 person

  31. I always want to dig down into your words to get a sense out of each image, but I think it’s best to just let the words make their own picture without worrying about what each one means.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. the scent of this poem is eloquence, Lucy. such details and language.

    Liked by 1 person

  33. It’s amazing how our creations evolve! Nice job!

    Liked by 1 person

  34. I love both… but I think with the editing you have made it clearer. Actually, when rereading again the first poem made me think of this poem by Emily Dickinson… https://www.bartleby.com/113/4065.html

    Liked by 1 person

  35. I like this phrase
    “I eavesdrop
    sunbeams across
    the pixels in the sea-”
    Lucy: I must admit…you come at poetry from the dark side….sometimes that’s a bit hard for me. But I do adore the way you can wend words into your message! Someday I think I should challenge you to write a poem that makes me smile and giggle; and at the same time you can challenge me to write a poem that is morose and shockingly dark! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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