ancestress, she is death
in Saturnidd cocoons; what to be done
in imitation, magnetized of blood lotus
cosseted in her veins;
dead fathers are hard to talk to.
Oceans writhe fox-skins of fossil, slumbers starved,
and weave nigh stone to kill the daughter first.
© 2020 lucysworks.com All Rights Reserved.
Original draft:
choking magnetism,
dead fathers can be hard to talk to,
as the ocean writhes
in fox-skins of fossil
and weaves, nigh the stone to kill the daughter first; me.
I must swallow dark at dark
starved slumbers,
where fishponds wed
ice water for blood.
© 2020 lucysworks.com All Rights Reserved.
Written for the dVerse prompt: “Polarize those poems! Pen us a poem of precisely 44 words, including some form of the word magnet.“
I am really not… I can’t say happy with this poem, but I don’t feel this is complete. Might rework it later, admittedly. I was heavily inspired by Wonderful Woman by The Smiths with the line, “Ice water for blood” and therefore used it as the last line of my poem. I can probably say that the entire poem was inspired by the song. Title as well was taken from one of the lines in the song.
I think this poem encapsulates grief and how it can quite kill someone emotionally. I have been fortunate to not experience what I describe the narrator having gone through.
I hope you could enjoy this piece. Thank you for reading.
Categories: Prose
Oh, my. So much gorgeous word-spill here. I think this is my favorite:
“as the ocean writhes
in fox-skins of fossil
and weaves”
Your word choices are stunning, throughout.
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Thank you so, so much.
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I really love how you started this… the start by choking and the end with ice-water for blood.
The fox-skin of fossils is also really creative.
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Thank you very much, Bjorn! ❤
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I love it, though I can’t put into words what I feel! The line about dead fathers is so good.
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Thank you. 🙂
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This is a shorter poem than your usual but the words are standing on pointe, elegant and right where they need to be! The opening lines are brilliant and invite thought.
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Thank you, Jaya. Your words mean so much to me. Thank you so much. ❤ ❤ ❤
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The emotions in this quadrille are so palpable and the wordsmithing is excellent! I especially like; “as the ocean writhes in fox-skins of fossil.”
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Sanaa, thank you!
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soul-crushing no matter which way I look at it. Dad did her wrong, whether by dying or in some other way. “I must swallow dark at dark” and “ice water for blood.”
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Yes, yes, yes! You are right on the money with the theme, Lisa. 🙂 Thank you so much for your lovely comment.
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Awesome! You’re welcome.
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That simple line: dead fathers can be hard to talk to – really stands out among all the rich images. It makes it very powerful.
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Thank you, Sarah. ❤
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Wow what chilling images you portray with your choking magnetism and a dead father…
Watch out …. death is lapping at your door as well… but only when night comes….
Great poem Lucy!
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Thank you!
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you are welcome!
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I agree with Sarah about the dead father’s line. It’s like the earth and its elements come alive in this person’s grief and maybe anger. Such powerful images you create!
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Definitely, nature I think can play a large role depending where we are and what state of mind a person is in. Thank you so much. 🙂
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I like your work Lucy. There is frequently in essence of mortality which makes the poem urgent. You also dance with sadness though I would not describe it as absolute grief. There is also much brightness and joy in your work.It’s damn good writing..
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Thank you, Rob, so much. And I am really pleased you see brightness and joy in my work. If I were going to describe my work, it would be as “dark poetry” but somehow, I do not translate everything into darkness… If that makes sense.
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Lucy, as usual I am breathless after reading your work! Like De Jackson my favorite lines are:
“in imitation, magnetized of blood lotus
cosseted in her veins” Absolutely spectacular use of language and you give us such vivid imagery while we figure out what actually happened. It’s always an adventure to read your work my friend ☺️💕
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Oh, thank you so, so much. ❤ ❤ ❤
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Yes to the dead fathers line and HUGE yes to every other piece of this wonderful poem. Thanks
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Thank you! 🙂
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Great title! After reading the poem it does evoke that feeling of grief that we can’t change it. There is nothing to be done but walk through it. I like this line, “Oceans writhe fox-skins of fossil,” to me that feels like the walk. It’s writhing and fossils. I enjoyed seeing the original draft here!
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Thank you so much, Tricia. ❤️ I appreciate your feedback and kindness. It really means a lot.
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I must say the original post was more dramatic for me, with the emphasis on the first person:
kill the daughter first; me.
I must swallow dark at dark
Your shortened version is amazing flow of compound words: fox-skins of fossil, slumbers starved.
Always a treat to read your poem.
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Thank you, Grace. ❤
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Death is always hard to deal with and losing someone is never easy. Your imagery is really very interesting and shows the confusion and pain of loss
Stay safe.
Thanks for dropping by to read mine
Much❤love
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Gillena, thank you very much.
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I, too, like the dead fathers line, though it implies to me that the real father was taciturn and hard to love or communicate with. Your quadrille holds together tighter than the original. Per usual, your dark vocabulary is challenging and awesome.
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Thank you very much, Glenn.
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Something powerfully confrontational here, dead fathers, fox skins, daughter prepared for slaughter: the natural imagery makes it that much more brutal for me. Stone, sky, ocean, fossil, blood, all telling eloquently of unburied, piercing pain.
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Thank you, Dora, so much.
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Love both versions. Wild and fanciful. Have a thrilling season. xo
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Thank you and you too. ❤
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Beautiful Lucy..
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Thank you. 🙂
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👍👍👍
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Wow, that’s beautiful 🌺
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Thank you. ❤
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You are most welcome 🌷
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It was very interesting to view your draft, compare and enjoy both versions. This line speaks to me “dead fathers are hard to talk to”. Grief can be like a wall of unanswered questions and this resonates deeply with me.
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Thank you so much, Mish.
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Lucy, I thought both versions were wonderful. Thank you for including them and talking through the poem and the meaning behind it.
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Thank you, Ingrid. 🙂
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kaykuala
in imitation, magnetized of blood lotus
cosseted in her veins;
They got them out of the way by pulling matters in. They can work to its advantage as a form of better control. Good thoughts Lucy!
Hank
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Thank you, Hank!
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The original draft, to my mind, is the better poem. The images are clear and stark and they are linked in a familiar grammatical way. The worked-on version is harder to hold on to because they’re not. I’m a conformist, I know, but I love the way language is put together and I like to understand what things mean.
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That’s interesting. Thank you for your feedback! 🙂
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I agree with Jane. The urgency is much stronger in the original for me because it is unembelllished. The darkness cuts much deeper.
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Thank you. 🙂
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I admire both quadrilles, Lucy, and their encapsulation of grief. I love the alliteration in the final version, especially the ‘fox-skins of fossil’ and ‘slumbers starved. I love the way you used space in the layout of the original draft, and that it begins with ‘choking magnetism’, getting down to the nitty gritty of the poem in the first two lines, and the final lines are chilling.
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Thank you, Kim. ❤️
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Love your revision. I like the incompleteness that this feels. I guess I’m a fan of cliffhangers.
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Thank you so much!
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I like both versions and saw them as finished but totally get your wanting to continue working with it. There’s a lot of rich material there.
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Thank you. 😊
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Visceral with emotion. Grief from death….beyond description…ice in veins.
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Thank you.
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Such a powerful write Lucy.
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Thank you, Linda.
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If you let him, your dead father may speak to you. When you’ve shouted your shout of protest, curl up somewhere warm and reflect on one of the good times you shared.
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Thank you, but fortunately, my father is alive and well. This is such excellent wisdom, though, I thank you so much for sharing it. ❤️
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Enjoy him while you’ve got him! And that includes quiet time.
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I will for sure. 🙂
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Such an enthralling and intricate weave of words it left me mesmerised. The intensity of words penetrates deep within .
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Thank you so much, Veena.
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Quantum level exploration with the images to help navigate!
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Thank you!
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Thank you. 🙂
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