Alive (to drown).

Original draft.

Shudder, these leaves scuffle

In the admission of winter

In the yellowing stillness

That faces you, bleeding mindlessness;

You are a fool, you are death,

where eyes decipher

the plea in the thorns

of a mother’s tree,

and the godhood in the horizon,

that wept in smothered dark,

alone in Elysium

labor in the embrace

the tumult of colors in the sky

illuming disarray at the end,

alive to drown.

Revised version.

Shudder, these leaves scuffle

the admission of winter

in the yellowing stillness

that faces you, bleeding mindlessness;

You are a fool, you are death,

where eyes decipher

and wept in the dark

alone in Elysium

labor in the embrace,

illuming disarray at the end,

alive to drown.

© 2020 lucysworks.com All Rights Reserved.

  22 comments for “Alive (to drown).

  1. June 3, 2020 at 2:11 pm

    Lovely work Lucy! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. June 3, 2020 at 2:22 pm

    Good one….

    Liked by 2 people

  3. June 3, 2020 at 2:32 pm

    A beautifully sad eulogy of the god-man drowning in his discontent. At the same time, there is a kind of heroic striving in this. Death has pathos only because of the struggle to live, even if that struggle ultimately is futile and mindless. The same water that drowns also nourishes the imagination. The imagination may be delusion, but even that is something when confronted with the sheer loneliness of Elysium. You have done a great job with expressing the torment here in naturalistic and temporal terms which heightens the drama onto a cosmological stage.

    Liked by 4 people

    • June 3, 2020 at 2:42 pm

      Thank you, thank you so much for your feedback. I really enjoyed reading it, and you really hit the nail on the head with the major themes communicated throughout this poem. 😀

      Liked by 2 people

    • June 3, 2020 at 3:41 pm

      Wow. This feedback reminds me of university. The good old days of the wise lions teaching the cubs how to hunt.

      Liked by 4 people

      • June 3, 2020 at 4:26 pm

        We are all in the lion’s pride together foraging the poetic mysteries to be found in the jungle.

        Liked by 4 people

  4. June 3, 2020 at 2:45 pm

    Nice poem… I should do poetry more often…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. June 3, 2020 at 5:53 pm

    I like the 2 lines you changed in your revised piece Lucy….

    Liked by 1 person

  6. June 3, 2020 at 7:42 pm

    so beautifl Lucy! I really loved it! ❤

    Like

    • June 3, 2020 at 7:44 pm

      I am so glad to hear that, Carol. Thank you! 😀

      Like

  7. June 3, 2020 at 7:53 pm

    love the wordplay in this esp ‘the plea in the thorns of a mother’s tree’

    Liked by 2 people

  8. June 4, 2020 at 12:29 am

    Great work Lucy!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. June 4, 2020 at 8:14 am

    What a change removing “tumult of colour” … Because it brings to mind a cheerier image. Thank you letting us see both versions.

    Liked by 1 person

    • June 4, 2020 at 11:09 am

      Thank you for your feedback. ❤️❤️

      Like

  10. June 7, 2020 at 5:29 am

    Great👍

    Liked by 1 person

  11. June 7, 2020 at 5:30 am

    Thank you

    Like

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