Solicitude/Solitude (Final Draft).

solicitude
for the man in tremendum
fully mad in autumn

the sea-winds grew
stood alone upon my labor
in a cement box; it wasn’t an act of love
nor was it an act of god,

I see the dead potatoes
of our graves. Gulping in your absence,
there is no agony or languor 
beneath the worlds in darker glory to refract
from my mind, but of the word it is not mine

loneliness releases abandonment
unreliable, yet it still forms besotted 
a crimson rose. Twirl for me, darling,
I am displeased yet most precariously 
it is a death sentence that cradles
my madness and pet.

exploiting 
neurochemical drama
exploiting labor and scars,
additives, [it’s not] 
my addiction

One last breath
drowning, this is my ego-ic sickness
my glitch, draining 
and echoing bent on hellscape

how sweet
as it drips into my palm
the sway of chests

breathing
as I’ve died.

© 2021 lucysworks.com All Rights Reserved.

Posted for the 8/05/2021 dVerse Open Link Night.

This is the final, completed draft of my original Solicitude/Solitude poem. I still do have the dark versions I talked about and I’ll probably reveal them another time, maybe when my writing slows down a bit (and when I no longer have shame). Both draft versions were unsatisfying in my mind with the end result. I just wasn’t happy with it. I like what I added here, so it may be the final draft. God, I hope so.

I found the inspiration to finish this poem from a series of prompts by perceptivepoetics and goldlacedink. This, specifically, is part of a writing prompt called #InsideWithAlyAndBri which utilizes inspiration of Bo Burnham’s “Inside.” If you have Instagram, I’d recommend following Alyssa and Bri. They’re such lovely and hilarious people. I’m so happy I’ve gotten to know them a little better in our writing chat.

The quote I used from Bo Burnham was this: “exploiting neurochemical drama.”

The first half of this piece ends at the potato line. I was thinking of my grandfather, and how I never knew him. He died long ago I could have ever gotten the chance to actually know him or really remember him from beyond the phone. I will admit I don’t remember WHAT my headspace was when I wrote this because some lines are just dark on their own. I think I was aiming for how our place is all in the grave.

The second half starts with “Gulping…”

I go right in with addictions to different things, and what I had in mind was from the quote itself: Drama. I think many people exploit others for drama or can manipulate people just right to get the desired reactions they want. With any addiction, the user will want more and they won’t stop until it probably kills them. Drama doesn’t kill like that, but the type of pleasure you get from it in the brain, it grows more.

Unless you have a conscience. I don’t know.




Categories: Poetry, Prose

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

63 replies

  1. Love the last two lines. And congratulations on getting to the final draft!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Amazing write & I also appreciate the notes Lucy. I will check out your IG recommendations.

    Have a good weekend.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You had me at the opening lines. Very powerful poem.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Sometimes getting the redraft right takes time; If you go back and try to rewrite or redress it while it’s still simmering you’re still in the same atmosphere. A cold look later reveals parts that can then easier get attended to; the fresh perspective.
    I think sometimes the ever busy mind needs a timely reset. That’s not to say I don’t obsess over the right word or phrase though! Sadly. For a writer there is a conclusion, rarely a satisfactory end.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you! I agree with this very much! I’ve struggled with drafts I went back to while in the same mindset and atmosphere. Going back with a fresh outlook on it while being in a different mindset probably contributed to my completion of this poem. Though, I remember someone once saying how all poems are unfinished until the author is dead–it brings perspective that as we change throughout life, so will that mindset and we’ll look at poetry in different ways than we would in the past.

      True, I don’t think there is a satisfactory end.

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It’s a very emotive piece, which is probably why it’s so difficult to write.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Since you write deep into your own verbal nightscape, the process notes help. The telling line for me was “it wasn’t an act of love / nor was it an act of god” – I think. More heavy lifting to do — in other poems — whatever this buried thing is wanting up and out. Keep up the good work.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. This took several readings for me as I didn’t know your earlier efforts. I think this shows both humor and observation. I feel the weight of both wanting something from the ethernet and feeling as though one is drowning in it. While all the words stack up like cement blocks, the dominos in the psyche seem to continue to fall.

    Perhaps I’ve missed the mark here, but I find it a dense poem and it may explicate many ways. I too appreciated the notes. It was certainly worthwhile to read!

    Liked by 3 people

    • Thank you so much and I’m glad it had an impact on you. 😀 I’m glad you can see the humor in it too, and how drama and grief, whether from family, love, life, or social media, plays a role in a damaging psyche. Thank you!

      Like

  8. This is a deep multi-layered piece of writing – almost like snippets of another life or dream. There are spaces void of light, it makes me wonder what is trying to be unearthed. Perhaps, a bit of madness needs cradling. Just some thoughts, thanks for the notes.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. There’s a lot to unpack in your writing – so fascinating to read Lucy. It is really helpful to have your background notes.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I think I like this idea, I’ll have to think on it’s meaning–“loneliness releases abandonment”; if one is lonely, wouldn’t that indicate the persisting sense of abandonment? Or do we accept being lonely, to let go of our hope that someone will take us back?

    Liked by 2 people

  11. The language feels really bouncy, dipping in and out of this character’s feelings with really solid language. Nice Work!

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I really love what you’ve done with the piece Lucy, I was waiting for this since a while now. There are so many layers in this version, waiting to be unpacked. Your pieces are always full of emotions and powerful use of words, it’s just exceptional. Words like “crimson rose” “neurochemical drama” add so much emotions to this very well written piece.

    “how sweet
    as it drips into my palm
    the sway of chests

    breathing
    as I’ve died.”

    I can’t think of a better ending to this piece, I can see the effort you’ve put into this. I’m so happy to see you finally put out this version and I’m glad to know there are more, would love to read them as well. Really masterful Lucy, exceptional writing. This has all my heart ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh, I don’t know what to say. Thank you so very much, AB! It really warms my heart to hear this and I’m also really glad you liked the ending to this piece. I was iffy about it, admittedly. Also, yes, I’ll eventually release the other versions—just have to lose my shame first. 🥲

      But really, thank you so much for your thoughts, feedback, encouragement, and support. It means a lot.

      Liked by 1 person

  13. This is absolutely exquisite Lucy – don’t change a word! It was so interesting to read your comments on addiction at the end as well. I think some people become addicted to manipulating others, whether they realise it or not.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. solicitude
    for the man in tremendum
    fully mad in autumn
    the sea-winds grew
    stood alone upon my labor
    in a cement box; it wasn’t an act of love
    nor was it an act of god,

    Like the opening Lucy! You went direct with your intro. In awe of someone, amidst the gravestones somewhat in a soliloquy of dark moments. What follows is already a great draft as it follows the dark stance taken earlier. May not have to change anymore!

    Hank

    Liked by 1 person

  15. This reads like a spiralled swoon to me–is death a swoon? I wonder. (K)

    Liked by 2 people

  16. Your notes always help me better understand your verse, Lucy. Always impressed by the complexity of emotions expressed. ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  17. I agree that the addition of “Lucy’s notes” 😉 is helpful. I think sometimes we crawl right into the depths of our writing, which i think is the ultimate experience. I love the way “Twirl for me darling….” pokes out teasingly from the heavier layers. Exquisite writing.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hahaha, thank you Mish! 😁

      Love how you saw the humor in the twirling line—sometimes, I think lightness is a good diversion from serious subject matter.

      Thank you again for your thoughts and feedback! ❤

      Like

  18. Everything about your post fascinated me … especially ‘exploiting neurochemical drama’ ~~~ I allowed myself to succumb to that exploitation decades ago … that guilt is hard to erase.

    Liked by 2 people

  19. Wow this is truly amazing Lucy💖

    Liked by 2 people

  20. A dense and at times disturbing poem, Lucy. I like the swirl of the language and the way meaning is revealed on every reading.
    Jim

    Liked by 2 people

  21. Just when I think I won’t be stunned into a most appreciative silence by you, Lucy, I read this powerhouse of a poem. The words are dripping with feeling, and movement. Lovely, my friend. 💙

    Liked by 2 people

  22. Oh Lucy, what an amazing poem! I love “it wasn’t an act of love nor was it an act of god,”. My daughter just a couple days ago introduced me to Bo Burnham. Never heard of him. I listened to him and though I don’t care for some of his language I said to my daughter “He is absolutely right in his context.”
    Been pondering a lot this week. I’m happy you finally arr satisfied with the final. But watch out, words can still change down the road.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so very much, Mary! I definitely agree, words can still change and that’s the beauty through the years of writing. A different perspective and headspace can change a lot for a poem.

      Like

  23. Wow, Lucy, stunning imagery here, wild and raw. My favourite lines:

    “Solicitude
    for the man in tremendum
    fully mad in autumn.” Love this stanza. There’s a feeling of joy here that resonates with me ❤

    “I see the dead potatoes of our graves.” So evocative. This makes me think how those passed over are not fully dead, that they’re just in a state of hibernation or transformation. The image alone is juicy.

    “loneliness releases abandonment.”

    Stunning, and with a ring of truth in many ways. I enjoyed reading your thought process behind it too. I think drama is a kind of addiction for many because there’s a desire to be noticed or acknowledged which is a lack so many people feel. Which can manifest as look-at-me behaviour in some way. Unless you channel it into acting, for example, in which case it’s healthily managed. But it’s interesting how addiction is often considered a negative thing when it could be positive. If you’re addicted to reading, for example. Or lychees. Or trains. I guess if it doesn’t cause harm, it’s called something else?

    Totally understand about redrafting, btw. I think this is a finely chiselled final draft ❤

    Also, great taste! I love Bo Burnham (his latest special is on my list to watch) 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you so, so much Sunra! I agree about drama, it can definitely be positive or negative but it is most often portrayed as negative. There’s good drama like you say in the theatre. 😀 And thank you for your thoughts, I always enjoy reading them and seeing how my poem resonated with you.

      I love Bo Burnham too, he is so funny. I’ve yet to watch his special, but I have to one of these days (and maybe check out his poetry book too if I feel up to reading again).

      Like

  24. A great write Lucy, and thanks for the commentary too.🙂 It’s interesting to have that insight about your inspiration.🙏

    Liked by 2 people

  25. you notes are a great help. my favourite of your poems that i have read great healing power in this. is bo burnham only on instagram as i do not do instagram. i would like to read something by him. thank you for sharing this

    Liked by 2 people

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  1. Solicitude/Solitude (Final Draft). – MAd Production. Company.
  2. Solicitude/Solitude (Final Draft). – World Era

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